A Few Reasons You should be Fat if You Love God and America

1. Is credit card debt bumming you out? You’re not alone. 10 out of 9 Americans are so deep in the hole they can almost see China. It’s unfortunate that so many of us don’t a clue how to make good financial decisions. Fortunately, our local fast food guy’s put their heads together and found a way to help us out. Super-sized combo meals for only 20 cents more. That’s a lot of food for just a little money. If every American pledged to eat nothing but super-sized combo meals every day for a year, think of how much money we’d save. That is money that could pay our bills off. Or cover an extra sundae or two.


2. Global warming. That’s another thing to worry about. And if you don’t buy into the Global Warming scare then maybe you should worry about Global Cooling. But if you’re fat, you can rest easy. No matter the crisis, you’re going to be safe. Your fat will give you buoyancy which will enable you to float when the ice caps melt due to a rise in the earth’s temperature. Your fat will also act as an insulator and keep you from freezing to death should we enter into another ice age. I promise you, if you’re fat, you are totally safe in any climate.


3. Earthquakes are serious business. They leave a big huge mess everywhere they go. And there is hardly any way to prevent an earthquake. Until now! Scientists believe that as Americans get larger, the risk of us catching one goes down. Simply, our massive weight will hold the country firmly in place if mother-nature tried to throw an earthquake at us, causing minimal damage.


4. Finally, as your mother accurately told you when you were growing up, there are starving kids in Africa. So I urge you, please eat an extra plate or two for their sake. It’s the least you could do.